I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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