If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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