the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
