Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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