he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
