I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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