I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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