I faked an abortion last night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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