the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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