I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
