made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
