Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
