just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
