Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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