Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
