apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
