Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize