GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
