I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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