just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
