Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
