I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
