I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
