You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
