Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
