Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
