I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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