I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
