what day is it and did you see me today?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
