We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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