It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
