You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
