I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
