i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
