My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
