i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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