is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
