a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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