3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
