Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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