Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The Olympian is in my bed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
