there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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