mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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