maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize