Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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