somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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