it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
