I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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