i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
