***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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