apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
