Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
