First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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