Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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