I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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