Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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