I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
