mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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