It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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