Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
